You may be wondering how I ended up as the bearded lady. Apparently it is because of the chemo shutting down my ovaries or something like that. All I know is that I woke up one day a couple weeks ago with white fur mutton chops on the sides of my face. The chops then made their way down to my chinny chin chin. I was officially Santa Klausing. And make up only enhanced its furriness.
My face carpet came on very suddenly, and I wasn't sure if it would fall out again. Because Taxol apparently can make your hair grow in and then fall out again a while later. So I wasn't about to pay a gajillion dollars to get my face threaded. Also because I am terrified of the pain that was inflicted upon me the last time I had my eyebrows and 'stache threaded. The Middle Eastern woman performing the task continually yelled at me to "Stop crying! You OKAY! Stop crying! You have very hairy face!! NO WAX!" So I just thanked my lucky charms that my fur face was blonde and continued on living the dream.
And obviously by "living the dream" I meant going to Ohio and the Henry County Fair for a milkshake and pork on stick. I figured I would fit right in with the Hank County carnies.
But then my lifelong friend Rachel stopped over and got a gander at my face. She hadn't seen me in a while as she lives in NW Ohio and I live pretty darn close to Cuba. I can't remember, but she might have actually felt my face. And then told me I needed to have Mary dermaplane my face velvet off. Stat.
Of course, I'm no "Real Housewife of Cape Coral," so I had no clue what dermaplaning was about. But I agreed to it. And Rachel and Mary had me scheduled for an in home dermaplaning session within minutes. I had obviously scared the bejeeezus out of my dear friend Roach with my testosto-riffic new look.
It's a good thing I trust Miss Mary. Because dermaplaning is this...taking a scalpel to your face and scraping off all hair and dead skin. Pretty sure I was her dream client because I'm sure she could really get a sense of satisfaction by seeing the progress of her work. All I know is that I looked off to the side as my face was being reborn and saw a snowball of fur. Like a big snowball. Seriously, like the base of a big a$$ snowman. But my face! My face was as smooth as a grape! A grape tomato! And what a relaxing experience. Like I was at the Ritz Carlton!
So a great big honkin' thank you to Mary Kern for making me female again! Now all you have to do is come down to Florida every month to make sure Jill stays Jill and doesn't morph into Bill!
 |
| At the Henry County Fair. Shortly after this, my phone died and I couldn't get any close up shots of my de-fuzzed face. |
