2016 Was a Real Jim Dandy!

I spent a lot of 2016 being a total mutant.  Like laying in my bed for 12 days straight and then finally getting up to lay in my recliner, dubbed Black Beauty.  Obviously this was all cancer related and I wasn't slothing around like I dreamed of doing back in 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013,2014, and 2015 when my kids were babies, toddlers, threenagers, and preschoolers.  Seriously.  I remember getting sick probably back in 2012 when the Triple Threat was 1,2, and 3.  I wished upon a star that I would be diagnosed with pneumonia and get hospitalized so I could rest and have a CNA bring me a tray of mashed potatoes and meatloaf from the hospital cafeteria.  And in my dream the medical professional wore seasonally appropriate scrubs--like Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang Valentine's style, because people that accessorize according to holidays just seem to care a smidgen more--and she or he would bring me a can of 7UP with a straw and fluff my pillows to make me more comfortable.  But that was just a pipe dream.  And I did get pneumonia.  But there was no hospitalization or rest.  Ol' Heysoos was apparently saving up my sick time to carry over to 2016!

So here I am on the last day of 2016 reflecting on what a dandy of a year it has been and what I should write about.  I want to thank everyone that has supported my family this year--but I am so bad at being sentimental and worry that it comes off as fake.  I always feel that way about saying religious things also.  Like talking about praying and God's blessings and all that jazz.  I believe in them and think about them, but always feel like I sound like a phony when I say them.  Weird, because I know that the Lutheran sparkle in me is always shining.  As a side note,  I don't feel odd breaking out the Nicene Creed by heart because that is just impressive. But please, please know that we appreciate all of the cards, gift cards, monetary gifts, race running, t-shirt and bracelet buying, and meal training this year.  We truly could not have made it this far, this smoothly without you all.  Aaaand I have a cry lump in my throat as I type this because it so unbelievable to me that I have just spent nine months battling cancer and that so many people have been so NICE to us.

So cheers to 2016 and on to 2017 tomorrow.  I still have a long treatment road ahead of me.  I still can't go back to work.  Which sometimes makes me feel awkward about going out and doing things.  So here is a peek into a cancer patient's head.  At least this cancer patient's noggin!  Here are the things that make me feel bad that probably shouldn't make me feel bad, but they still do.

1.  Drinking a beer while watching a Buckeye game.  I feel bad because I think that people are staring at me and thinking that I should be drinking a kale and blueberry smoothie.

2.  Taking my kids to theme parks.  I feel bad because I think that people are wondering how I can afford to do that.  Because we all know that Sea World is freaking expensive!  But we go because we have free season passes.  Perks of being a teacher and having littles.  It still makes me feel awkward to post pics with Shamu on social media though.

3.  Again, taking my kids to theme parks.  I feel bad because I think that people wonder how I have the energy to do it.  Truth is, I cancer pranced my way into getting fast passes for rides for the kiddos.  Shameless, I know.

4.  Not working.  I know that I look healthy.  I'll give a big round of applause to the 30 pounds cancer put on me for giving me that healthy glow.  Not really.  I'll give my now  morbidly obese middle finger to those 30 pounds. But I hear all the time how someone has a cousin  that worked her way all the way through chemo, radiation, and surgery.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't walk three steps to the bathroom without help.  So I guess that means that I won't make the cancer All-Star Team like cousin Tina.  

5.  Being alive.  I'm no psychologist, but I think this is known as "survivor guilt."  Folks from near and far have done so much for me and my family because I had such a whopper of a breast cancer diagnosis.  But now I am feeling better and feel guilty going out and doing anything because I worry that people think they gave time and money to me for nothing because I look and act just fine and dandy.  What goes through my butch lookin' head is that "these people thought I was going to die and those poor little children of hers will be motherless..."  And then here I am drinking a beer at the Buckeye game!  I probably need a psychologist for feeling bad about not dying....

6.  Not getting all of my Christmas cards sent out.  I had visions of thanking everyone via Christmas card this year.  But I had to go to radiation.  And get injections.  And then I would be so tired that Black Beauty would call my name and I would fall asleep before the Young & the Restless was over. So I still have like 100 cards to send out.  Whaddya think--should I still send them out or would that be tacky?  I LOVE sending cards, so it's not a chore that I hate doing.  I love addressing them with my red Pilot pen and stamping those babies.  I just plum ran out of time.  And now I worry that wonderful people feel bad that they didn't get a card.

There are about a bajillion other things that I worry about that I know I probably should not worry about--but it's time for me to get ready for that Buckeye game.  One would think that I would be ready for 2016 to be over, but a part of me wants to hang on to this sweet year.  Because 2016 made me realize how truly blessed I am with friends and family.  And yes, I still feel awkward writing about how "blessed" I am, but it is nothing but the truth.  Thanks for the memories 2016!

These pics were taken by my dear friend Miranda Lawson.  They were taken before my 2nd chemo treatment in April when I didn't know what was coming.  I kind of feel a little bad for this happy lady...because she didn't know what $%*# storm was coming!