I'm no junkie, but I'm guessing that jamming a fistful of M&Ms down your throat and taking off your bra after a really long day has got to be a better rush than shooting up with black tar heroin. That used to be my favorite way to stay sane. Plain M&Ms, a Diet Coke, and the removal of my boulder holder. Except now, a year after my cancer diagnosis, it has become evident that the Diet Coke does not cancel out the chocolate fat and I feel like I am wearing an iron bra that I cannot take off. So basically I feel like a sumo wrestler in a tween underwire training bra.
One would think that when you have your breasts surgically removed that you would feel a ton of weight off your shoulders. And you would get a nice new rack. And it would just be like getting a boob job. No big deal to lose your hoots because your body would feel the same, just with better headlights. Except,wrong-ola. First off, I want to throat punch anyone that says, "Boy, I bet your husband is gonna like those new funbags!" But don't feel badly if you made a comment like that to someone like me--because even I made "fun boob" comments before I had my chest amputated. Just think of this as your public service announcement to not do it again. Because a double mastectomy sucks. Something fierce.
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| My selfie game is not on fleek |
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| I couldn't take a shower for two weeks after surgery. Baby wipe baths. Delightful. |
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| Those drains are attached to my body |
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| The drains were in for weeks |
Things about mastectomies that you may not know.
1. Nipples are gone.
2. Big ol' Freddy Krueger slasher scars right through the center of your previous breast
3. No more feeling in your chest
4. Except for the sensation of lugging around a ton of rocks
5. And the feeling of an iron noose around your rib cage
6. Tissue expanders make it look like you have boobs
7. They hurt. Like hell.
8. No more sleeping on your stomach. Or side. Basically I sleep like I am in a casket. Folded hands and everything.
9. The foobs (fake boobs) are filled up with a giant saline filled needle
10. But first a "stud finder" is used to find the port inside your foob to be filled up
11. Sometimes there are muscle spasms so severe I think I am having a heart attack
12. But back to the saline filled needle. I can't feel the needle because I am completely numb. Silver lining!
13. My right foob is flat
14. My left is not
15. You can totally tell
16. Because I don't ever wear a bra now
17. So I don't have to use my 30% off Kohls coupon for Maidenforms anymore
18. I hope it feels better when the real implants are in
